Here’s the thing: If you see a sign that says “No Left Turn,” and you turn left, you’re a bad person.

Not ‘bad’ like Hitler or Lex Luthor. Not evil. But, like a clown who makes people cry or a doctor who makes people sick. Incompetent, I mean.

Traffic signals and road signs are an unspoken social contract. Either we all agree to them or society is plunged into chaos. I don’t know why the sign people don’t want you turning left, but this is no time to make a statement about personal freedom.

We follow these inane instructions left scrawled on aluminum poles not because we’re weak or stupid, but because it keeps the traffic flowing. But, not you. You’re special, you’re different. You’re better than that, better than the rest of us.

Bad Human!

So, why not turn left from the right-hand lane while you’re at it? Why not drive in the middle of both lanes? Why not just piss on everybody out the window as you go by? Is it because there’s no sign condemning it?

Okay, let’s everybody just calm down.

Here is my plea to the mustachioed fella in the Volkswagen Jetta: Please, sir, try to be a better person.

Wallace J. Kelly
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